want to let everyone know that I'm the most honest here than anywhere else. Maybe it's the freedom of hardly anyone knowing me in real life. Or the fact that the people that do know me on here, may possibly understand. and if they don't, then they can delete this. because I need somewhere to portray my honest thoughts and emotions without being judged. and I've chose this place.
honestly, it's for Nicole and Lisa. Although they're young, they understand very well. they're sweet girls.

I've been missing Joey a lot. Which sounds odd to me, seeing as how I don't think of him much. but when I do, my heart aches and a zillion memories flood my mind. holding hands, fireworks, trips to the park, awkward moments around his friends, perfect moments alone, that first kiss, the rain we would stand in, everything. quite honestly I'm wondering if Joey did more damage to me than I thought. because I'm not romantic with Joe. with Joey I would think of a million things I'd love to do that would make his heart jump like he did to me. but I don't think of those things with Joe. and I wouldn't dare doing the things I thought of for Joey with Joe because to my heart it feels like a betrayal. but, in fairness, Joe isn't romantic with me. becuase of hobein. he admits it. he says he'll try, and then I feel like the last person he takes into consideration. :/ anyways, I miss Joey. Terribly. I guess it gets worse as Joe and I get worse. But at the same time even when Joe and I are bad, I don't think Joey and I are good together. Not romantically. I love him, so much. but honestly there's just things about us that don't work anymore. and I'd rather love him forever and never talk to him again than be with him and end up hating him. although parts of me think that we could work. I don't think that there's enough that would change if we were together. the what if's are what kill me.

working and being a mom is so much more difficult than I thought it would be. I feel like I never rest enough. I feel like there's never enough time in the day. cleaning, working, taking care of her, getting prescriptions, going to appointments, trying to figure out my own life. it seems damn near impossible right now. if only I could get a million dollars. then I'd have more time. I'd have more time to go to school, more time to spend with my daughter, more time to work on my relationship... seems like since I started work everything's just falling apart even more. not that it was held together much better before. but it feels worse. maybe that's becuase I'm more tired. IDK...

I also feel quite alone lately. I don't want to talk on the phone, I barely text. I just feel like I should seclude myself from everyone. i'm so touchy, so angry... and I take it out on people without meaning to and start a fight without meaning to. then we get into it and get pissed at each other and I lose a friend for a week or two. Me and Kass JUST made up this weekend. I miss her. quite terribly. although we don't understand each other well, we are there for each other like it's supposed to be. but even sometimes there I don't feel heard. it's mostly about her love life that we talk. I try to go on about somethimg about me and I get a total of thirty seconds before the rest of the time it's about her... but I'm okay with that most days. she needs someone to talk to and I'm here for her.

Brittany is trying to be more in my life as well. which i like. I just hate talking on the phone. and she hates texting. so we're kind of at a loss here. but soon I'll hopefully have a way to go visit her and bring her to visit me... we both need the company so horribly.

IDK what else to say... perhaps give me the big update on you?