is sweet. thoughtful. gorgeous. attentive. far. passionate. too much? lustful. devoted. serious. playful. opposite. so tempting.
is confusing. threatening. broken. serious. playful. gorgeous. a sea I get lost in. my calm. struggling. distanced. behind. so enticing.
is home. the missing piece when I feel like drowning. the broken bones I'm mending. gorgeous. impatient. passionate. jealous. possessive. caring. a gentleman. in tune with the little things. so painful.
I'm in a sea of thought 24/7. if's, ands, maybes... All thrown about in a chaotic loop that possesses me. stresses and diluted hopes. smiles and reminiscent laughter. the scars and how I got them. the tears and why they're still coming like flash floods from rainstorms. my heart aches. my eyes leak. my brain dissects. and yet no answers. none. logically this. emotionally that. fighting the war everyone said would always be the harde
st one. I love him. which? All. in different definitions of the word for different reasons and at different times. but all now. in love? I'm second guessing that I understand that meaning these days. I use to be so sure of myself and confident in each decision and emotion. I feel literally like I've lost my grasp on life. I felt so sure. now it's always second guessing and doubt and this sick feeling in my stomach I cannot shake. my entire being is reacting to this. every day. how do you stay sane when you have lost your grasp?
my monster. she is the light in my life. I spend the most time with her out of everything else I do. she makes me smile, laugh. there is nothing to second guess or maybe or be unsure about. she is my love. my happiness and my confidence. I see her and know I'm doing my best in this world and if nothing else she is living proof I am not fucking everything up. she's happy and well behaved she's healthy and laughs so much.
there are multiple other stresses. financial hardships of a single mom. daycare for a child that has never had to be in one. being a good friend and not allowing my own self to consume everything like I have so many times in the past pushing some amazing people away out of selfishness. some come back. to my astonishment. I don't deserve them. but I'll keep them if they'll stay and strive to be better than the day before. I have a hard time accepting that when I can't keep my head in the right place as it feels every day like I'm falling deeper into something I don't understand and can't seem to get my grasp on the edges to hold on to. flailing in a million directions as I spiral. it is impossible to be the rock you believed yourself to be when you are nothing but a pebble floating atop the ocean in a storm. I just want to scream for someone to save me from myself but I understand more than ever I have to do this alone. I have to fix this it cannot be anyone else. no matter what attempts have been made before have failed because it is not your job to "save me". it is my own. just as it is your job to save yourself from all your demons. well, not all your demons. I like to play with some of mine. but there are demons within me that threaten all the good things. that make the parts of me I love and adore disappear. I need to fix them.
I'm meeting with a friend this week. to help sort out my head. at least that is a way I can seek help without putting my burdens into another's hands. I just need a hand to hold until my head feels above water.
I also have begun working out when I feel too anxious. which means I work out 90% of my free time. this is because my head wont rest it's weary legs and take a break. I focus on the muscles moving, I focus on the sweat dripping. instead of whatever plagues my brain. I feel crazy.
"have I gone mad?"